me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
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I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
Put this video in the Louvre
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?