[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
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Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
i wish all
whales
a very
big
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug