What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
#Caturday
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*