How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.