The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
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Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
peeping toms
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.