Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.