Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
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*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
nobody’s gonna understand
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
That’s incredible! 👌
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you