“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
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date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
If you had more money you’d be happier.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Very good news from my accountant
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”