[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
quarantine day 3
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat