Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
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Monday
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Have a lovely day 😊
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Me too, bag. Me too….
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.