Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol