The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
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This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
All set.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
💁🏻♂️
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.