Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
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Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.