It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
He’s cranky this morning
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.