I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.