Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
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psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.