A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
You Might Also Like
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.