I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
X-tra spooky blend
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.