I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
the answer was staring at me all along
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper