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[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
The Compass
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
#FunnyLife Insects
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad