Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
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NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’