one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
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The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.