My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
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does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
smartest karate player in the world
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
#merica
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone