*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I WON A HAM TODAY
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?