Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
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Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Cheers Twitter.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.