Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
What an awful time to have common sense.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!