Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”