I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
According to math, I’m broke
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Me too door. Me too.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.