For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.