I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
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me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
My life coach traded me.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
do horses think humans are hats
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..