god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
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The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.