*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
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If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher