Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
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Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
notice
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.