[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
You Might Also Like
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
I don’t know what to do
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
[eulogy]
line?
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.