My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
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Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.