The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
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Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
The honesty is refreshing
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
dictator is short for richard potato