Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
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You got this…
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.