I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
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I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.