Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
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*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Finally!
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Netflix and scream at our children?!
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.