If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal