a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
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Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
happy mother’s day❤️
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.