Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
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I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
me opening up to someone
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?