My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
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Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on