me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
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The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
The morning after pill, but for tweets
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding