Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
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Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
my astrological sign is a french fry
At least he brought enough for everyone
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.