Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
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Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
guilty
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
*3.5 thank you very much.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
My zodiac sign is pistachio
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good