Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
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Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.