“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
You Might Also Like
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”