[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
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ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you