My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
tell em, edith-anne
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world